I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
-- Jonathan Winters
Home Depot
Darwin
This picture is real - not doctored in anyway - and was taken
in Waldorf by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers
building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he
went and bought a camera to take pictures.
The car is still running as can be witnessed by the exhaust. A
woman is either asleep or otherwise out in the front seat passenger side. The
guy driving it was over jogging up and down on Rt. 925 in the background. The
witnesses said their physical state was OTHER than normal and the police just
shook their heads in amazement. The driver finally came back after the police
were there and was getting down at the back to cut the 'twine around the load.
They told him to get back until it was taken off. The materials were loaded at
Home Depot. Their store manager said they had the customer sign a waiver! Both
back tires are trashed. The back shocks were driven up through the floorboard.
In the back seat were 10 bags, 80 lbs. each of concrete. On the roof are many
2X4s, 4X4s and sheets of OSB. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. The
car is a VW Jetta with FL plates and the guy said he was headed for Annapolis.
Pakistan's Missile Test Launch... 3,2,1
The Wisdom of Will Rogers
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral of this story is:- When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by
somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your
pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn
by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for
themselves.
World According to Frank & Ernest
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will
roll!
Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much
smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child but he isn't allowed to talk to
strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
We're lucky to have C-SPAN. Not many countries can watch their government
in action.
Mountaintop Glue-Ru: "Stick to it! Stick with it! Stick it out!
Stick to your guns! Stick up for yourself! ..."
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS
than 24 hours, please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed
limit.
Observations
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then
used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it
on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those
>who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
Discover wildlife! Have kids!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it!
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face
with spit on a hanky.
I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got
around to it.
My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand -- divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed
regularly and for the same reason.
One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain
five pounds.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a
CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER
or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She does not TEASE or
FLIRT -she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She
is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She does not GET YOU
EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She does not have a
KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD
- She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK
or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not have
BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU -
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a
BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He does not GET LOST
ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He
is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE
ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get
FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He is not a MALE
CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of
COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
Seinfeldisms
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a
piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged
some sort of fecal matter.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for?
Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures?
Why restrict
it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased
squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea
what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're
finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are
compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination?
"Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows?
How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that
stuff."
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that?
When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think
not.
Ponderings
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up
over"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls and day breaks?
Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Do pilots take crash courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4's"?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Do you think when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
Steven Wrightisms
Save
the whales. Collect the whole set.
A
day without sunshine is like, night.
On
the other hand, you have different fingers.
I
just got lost in thought. It was
unfamiliar territory.
42.7
percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99
percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I
feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You
have the right to remain silent. Anything
you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
I
wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
Honk
if you love peace and quiet.
Remember
half the people you know are below average.
Despite
the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing
is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Atheism
is a non-prophet organization.
He
who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression
is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The
early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I
drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I
intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow
money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If
Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Quantum
mechanics: the dreams stuff is made
of.
The
only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support
bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When
everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going
the wrong way.
If
at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience
is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For
every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills
travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never
do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No
one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success
always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The
colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it.
The
hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
The
severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach
it.
To
steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To
succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday
is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You
never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two
wrongs are only the beginning.
The
problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The
sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change
is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get
a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Plan
to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always
try to be modest and be proud of it!
If
you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!
How
many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise
my hand...
Love
may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If
at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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